DEAR MAN is a communication framework: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate. It can organize a difficult conversation without guaranteeing the other person’s response.
Before the conversation
Name one realistic objective. Are you asking for a schedule change, saying no, requesting information, or setting a boundary? A single clear objective is easier to communicate than every grievance at once.
Consider safety and power. Direct assertion may not be safe in an abusive, coercive, retaliatory, or otherwise dangerous relationship. In those situations, seek support from a qualified professional or advocacy service and prioritize a safety plan.
Build the message
D — Describe
State observable facts without labels or mind-reading. “The last two meetings started 20 minutes late” is more specific than “You never respect my time.”
E — Express
Briefly name your feelings or perspective using “I” language. Do not assume the other person already knows the impact.
A — Assert
Ask clearly for what you want or say no directly. A request such as “Could we begin at the scheduled time?” is easier to answer than a hint.
R — Reinforce
Explain the practical benefit of the change or acknowledge how cooperation helps. Keep it truthful; reinforcement is not a threat or manipulation.
Hold the conversation
M — Mindful
Return to your main point when the discussion drifts. A calm “broken record” can repeat the request without adding new accusations. Ignore attacks that do not require an immediate response.
A — Appear confident
Use a steady, audible voice and an upright posture that feels natural. Confidence here means clarity, not dominance. You can be nervous and still speak effectively.
N — Negotiate
Look for alternatives that still respect your priorities. Ask what the other person proposes, reduce the request when appropriate, or pause and revisit later. Negotiation does not require giving up a non-negotiable safety boundary.
Worked example
Describe: “You have borrowed my car twice and returned it without refueling.” Express: “I feel stressed when I need it for work.” Assert: “Please refill it before returning it.” Reinforce: “Then I can keep lending it without scrambling before work.” During the conversation, return to that request, speak steadily, and consider an alternative such as repaying fuel costs the same day.
Common snags
- Turning the description into a character judgment.
- Giving a long explanation before making the actual request.
- Treating a skillful request as a guarantee of agreement.
- Negotiating away a limit that protects your safety or core needs.
- Using a script mechanically instead of listening to the other person.
Write a first draft
Write one sentence for D, E, A, and R. Read it aloud and remove extra accusations, history, or apologies that hide the request. Then list one acceptable alternative and one boundary you are not willing to trade.
Sources and further reading
Our explanation is original educational writing informed by the primary DBT materials below. DBT and its established skill names are associated with the work of Marsha M. Linehan and their respective rights holders.